I have several people getting on my nerves today.
So much so that I can’t think straight or get motivated to do things that Must Be Done. For me to work effectively, both paid and unpaid, my spiritual paths must remain unblocked. I cannot be micromanaged, I cannot be questioned about stupid shit that has nothing to do with anything. I cannot get business emails peppered with all caps and exponential exclamation marks. That drives me insane.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Go ahead and remind me that when one is bogged down by major depressive disorder whatever this is, one can be thrown off track by inconsequential, incredibly minor events. The all caps over-exclamatory email from management, the email from a father asking why his (perfectly normal) granddaughter is obese and overeating. Didn’t he raise three children? Does he not remember that kids eat non-stop except for the picky eaters who, instead, eat nothing at all? Does he not remember that some kids have root beer bellies?
Argh.
I’m blocked and getting no work done today. This is one of those days that if I got an email that said: Oh, yeah, I forgot…YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!!!!! I’d quietly pick up my keys and cell phone and walk to my car without a backward glance.
Yeah, I think I’m finally on the right medication. But, does anyone agree with me that meds tend to have a honeymoon period with us, their new lovers? After about two weeks of self-aware bliss and making plans to start working out at the gym again, I’m back to not giving a general shit about much of anything needing a good nap.
I dreamed last night I was a passenger in a car driven by this girl I’d gone to high school with. She’d just won an Oscar for her first film role, but she didn’t seem excited about it after the high wore off. We’d gotten into a car accident earlier that day and she just threw money at the girl whose car she’d hit. She was catatonic, almost, in her unconcern for that woman. Later, after dropping Buttercup off somewhere, she drove to an edge overlooking the water and kept driving. We hit the water and the car began to fill.
I was out of the car, drifting. Other bodies started floating around me. The bodies of people who’d ended their lives in a similar way. I could see their faces, most looked peaceful, all were dead. I was creeped out at first, but I began accepting my fate. I relaxed, the water entered my lungs. It didn’t burn like I’d always read it would.
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