99 problems and a lack of discipline contributes to nearly all of them

That was actually Jay-Z’s original hook until Kanye stormed the recording session and all hell broke loose.

After recovering his train of thought and having Kanye forcibly removed from the building, the lyrics were re-written to more specifically assert Hova’s misogyny royale and world domination of Battleship.

Somebody robbed my bank account, and the suspect looks a lot like me. But with shiftier eyes and a detrimental indifference to overdraft fees. In the middle of recessionary, unemployed holiday shopping, this thief adopted a puppy from her local animal shelter then had no choice but to head straight to PetSmart for the requisite puppy shit to better prepare her for cleaning up puppy shit. This is, of course, between baby diaper changes and cleaning up after the older ones. I think I shall proper noun that: The Older Ones. Like they are aliens with supernatural power to mess up my house 20 minutes after the cleaning crew departs.

About the dog: not for the kids. I got her for me, even though the kids think I got her for them. I am perhaps suffering from the return of a few abandonment issues. Ehren is getting older and more demanding. Jon Alex is fine-tuning his bossiness into some sort of earn income from home side business, and if Jordan withdraws any further into her teenagery darkness, I’ll be forced to release her to the first band of gypsies I find in our refrigerator rooting for spare potatoes.

Maybe I’d like a companion who, although dependent, acts more like a companion than a dependent. Who doesn’t yell at me when I forget trivialities at the grocery store or blue funk it when I buy the wrong brand of milk. Maybe the puppy will become a lesson in adventure and bravery for Ehren who will learn to release his death grip on me in the company of strangers and grandparents. Maybe I am expecting too much of this dog, but I have serious issues and, like her president Mr Obama, this dog had better step in and clean up the mess she finds in me and get shit done ten minutes into her oath of office.

Her shelter-given name is Leela. She’ll be home by noon today.